Nostradamus Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

While trying to write a paper earlier today I got to perusing some of the stuff I had written earlier this year and saved in My Documents. One of the more interesting things I came across - among the piles of cultural studies essays discussing the significance of the phallic shape of the Washington Monument and how Molson's "I Am Canadian" ad campaign plays on the repressed national pride Canadians have in their humble, ambivalent identity - were two season previews I wrote for the McGill Tribune at the beginning of the year: one for the NHL's Southeast division and one for the NBA's Central division. Here they are, reproduced in their original unedited (read as unshortened) form.

NHL Season Preview
Southeast Division
Ordered by projected ranking within the division:
Stars denote playoff teams

Washington Capitals *
The Capitals have a young, exciting team led by one of the most exciting young players in the NHL – Alexander Ovechkin. Now that AO and the rest of Washington’s youth movement have a few playoff games under their belts they should be even better than last year. In addition, to replace unrestricted free agent Cristobal Huet who left for Chicago, the Caps signed former Vezina winner José Theodore. Finally, George McPhee locked up young defenseman Mike Green to a 4-year deal. This team will be as electrifying this year as it was last year, and with a better start under coach Bruce Boudreau, the sky is the limit.

Tampa Bay Lightning *
Along with Chicago, Tampa Bay had the most productive offseason in the NHL this year. The team’s biggest addition came with the 1st overall selection in the draft, Steve Stamkos – an 18 year-old prodigy who lit up the OHL last season with the Sarnia Sting. Tampa also made some big splashes in the free-agency market and trades; of particular note were the additions of LW Ryan Malone, D Andrej Meszaros and G Mike Smith who all came off strong seasons with their respective clubs. Even former LA Kings coach Barry Melrose and his famous mullet have been tempted out of retirement to join the team. Nevertheless, the fortunes of this franchise rest squarely on the shoulders of captain Vincent Lecavalier, who is determined to reverse the club’s precipitous drop in the standings since their Cup win in 2004.

Carolina Hurricanes
The last time the Carolina Hurricanes were in a playoff game, they won… the Stanley Cup. Now, after failing to make the playoffs for two straight years, former Conn Smythe winner Cam Ward is feeling the pressure to prove that his play in that run wasn’t a fluke. Don’t think that all the blame for the club’s recent defensive struggles can be laid at the goalie’s feet, however. Over the previous two seasons, Carolina has parted ways with most of its established defensive corps. This year the addition of defenseman Joni Pitkanen should fill a big hole along the blue line – he had better, because in the trade that brought him to Carolina the Hurricanes lost LW Erik Cole, which will put a serious dent in the team’s offensive depth.

Florida Panthers
Defense, defense, defense. That one word will be Florida’s mantra this season. In addition to having one of the best netminders in the league in Tomas Vokoun, the Panthers have traded away star forward Olli Jokinen and acquired defensemen Keith Ballard, Bryan McCabe and Nick Boynton. With that defensive core in place the Panthers should be able to keep games close – the only question is if they have enough scoring punch to turn close games into wins. Florida will count on increased production from Stephen Weiss and Nathan Horton if they hope to find themselves in the postseason.

Atlanta Thrashers
The Thrashers have one of the most exciting talents in the league in Ilya Kovalchuk; however, their problems this year, like every year, will be on the defensive end. The team that gave up the most shots in the league last season has taken steps to improve on that statistic with the addition of All-Star Mathieu Schneider and 3rd overall pick Zach Bogosian. However, the defensive corps is still thin and while goalie Kari Lehtonen has shown flashes of brilliance he has also shown a tendency for uneven play and lingering injuries.

Actual standings as of March 1, 2009 (projected standings in brackets):

1 Washington (1)

2 Florida (4)

3 Carolina (3)

4 Tampa Bay (2)

5 Atlanta (5)

Woooohoo 60%! Not too shabby, if I had just remembered that Tampa Bay is a completely dysfunctional organization, crippled by its salary cap situation and that rookies rarely have a big impact on their team's success then I might have been able to pull out a 100% on this one.

NBA Season Preview

Central Divison

Ordered by projected ranking within the division:

Stars denote playoff teams

Detroit Pistons*

The team that won it all back in ’04 has kept their starting line-up virtually unchanged since; however, after three consecutive losses in the Eastern Conference Finals, changes are afoot. With a new head coach in Michael Curry and continued development from young players, specifically Amir Johnson and Rodney Stuckey, this team has an exciting blend of youth and experience.

Cleveland Cavaliers*

How can a team with King James be so consistently terrible offensively? Hopefully, Mike Brown not only knows the answer to that question but also has the right tools to rectify the deficiency. The tools that are meant to bring this transformation about are Mo Williams and J.J. Hickson. Mo Williams’ ability to bring the ball up will be crucial in allowing Lebron to spend less time with the ball in his hands, resulting in even more energy devoted to putting the ball in the basket.

Chicago Bulls*

Chicago is a team that is chock full of talent, especially in the backcourt, but is fundamentally unbalanced. Since Ben Gordon signed a one-year qualifying offer in the offseason, he should be dangled as trade bait at some point in the year. The Bulls will want to move him for a low-post scorer, which they have lacked for the better part of a decade. Key to the team’s success will be the 1st overall pick in the draft, PG Derrick Rose and 1st year coach Vinny Del Negro.

Indiana Pacers

The Pacers completed a major trade with the Raptors in the offseason which worked to address the shortcomings of the ballclub – capspace and the PG spot. To that end the Pacers got speedy PG T.J. Ford and C Rasho Nesterovic who will both be able to jump into the starting line-up immediately – in addition, the Pacers bought themselves some cap flexibility by shedding Jermaine O’Neal’s massive contract.

Milwaukee Bucks

The Bucks offseason was full of turnover. The Bucks brought in head coach Scott Skiles, SF Richard Jefferson, PG Luke Ridnour and SF Joe Alexander. Out went former head coach Larry Krystkowiak, PG Mo Williams, SF Desmond Mason and SF Bobby Simmons. For this team to succeed the wing players (Redd and Jefferson) will have to light up the scoreboard and C Andrew Bogut will need to continue improving.

Actual standings as of March 1, 2009  (projected standings in brackets):

1 Cleveland (2)

2 Detroit (1)

3 Milwaukee (5)

4 Chicago (3)

5 Indiana (4)

So my accuracy is... 0%!?! I think I can give myself a bit of a pass on the Detroit situation since I made my prediction in the pre-AI days. Also Milwaukee was a surprise to everyone, not just me. Still, Chicago is only a game back of Milwaukee so if things go right I could finish this one with a 40% accuracy rate.

Moral of the story, the prophecy business is tough and Nostradamus doesn't get the credit he deserves.

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Obits

On February 17, 2009, 3-time NBA champion, 1-time 2nd team All-NBA, and 1-time All-Star Sam Cassell was traded from the Boston Celtics to the Sacramento Kings. A day later he was waived.


Since this may be the end for Sam-I-Am, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what he's done for the NBA over his long career.

His physical appearance has always been a big part of how he's been perceived in the league (as Steve pointed out recently). The man has sparked comparisons from Gollum, to ET, to a conehead, and to the Alien. And, according to one douchebag reporter, "[Cassell] has been featured in about 9 rap songs" predictably in similes about ugliness (however, I think we can take whatever the reporter says with a grain of salt since he seems to think that Sam plays for the Lakers).

Sam's legacy doesn't end with his shiny bald forehead though. The one thing that Sam is known for apart from being ugly is for having Gilbert Arenas-sized cojones. Sam took the big-balls dance from the motion picture Major League II and brought it to the NBA. Now, Kobe and Iguodala have taken to performing it after big shots.

These two videos pretty much sum up how Sam Cassell is going to be remembered:

Bringing Sexy Back (the photos repeat after a while)
Vs.

Sam I Am (the background track, coincidentally, is by KRS-One)

RIP Sam

too many grits, and other obesity hilarity

Just as I was about to begin my post on sport man-love (which will come sometime in early March, don't you worry loyal followers), I found out that Tyson Chandler has been sent BACK to New Orleans after failing a physical...awkward. After another trade deadline that resembled the pointlessness of a typical, 20 minute last sixty seconds of any basketball game, I figured I'd throw out some examples of the less physically gifted of our respective sports, at least before I check my lotto picks and see if I can retire from this lucrative blogging career.

EDIT: Not only did I lose the lotto, but I found that the Chandler had been voided because of a turf toe injury, not because of a crippling urge for four cheese pizza. Fuck it, I stand by what I write, mainly because its a good excuse to vent on:

Bryant "Maybe Just One More Slice" Reeves of the Vancouver Grizzlies (in a file photo seen here) once showed up to training camp a whopping 40 pounds overweight. Already harnessing the nickname "Big Country" became a source of ridicule, as fans mercilessly taunted him until my lungs were sore. Some say his massive girth, contract, and lack of physical ability were the reason the Grizz skipped town. Others agree. Either way, Bryant Reeves became the symbol of the failure of my beloved team.

In other news, Shaq weighs 320 pounds. How is this a sport again?

The portly man has no place within the NHL, but the 215 pound Martin Brodeur was ridiculed by Sean Avery for being fat after their 2008 playoff series. Its a good thing he didn't run into, oh I don't know, this guy, or some serious feelings might have been hurt.

The Tragedy of T-mac

Though the epic fail T-mac pulled on that layup attempt Steve posted was hilarious, I feel like I've got to get Tracy's back on this one. The guy is going through a rough time right now (personally and professionally) and I don't think we should all be hating on him. First of all, T-mac's self-stuff was NOT the most pathetic lay-up ever performed by a professional basketball player - that distinction belongs to David Wesley:

Secondly, T-mac's knee is not the only thing causing him pain as Yao apparently has "had just about enough" of his absences and injuries. If T-mac gets shipped out of Houston then we will never again get to see exchanges like this one:

That kind of touching man-love is almost unheard of outside of Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer's relationship in Two and a Half Men. So I think we can excuse T-mac for that Rapper Willy-esque layup this one time - he was probably thinking about how he's never going to get invited back to dinners like this one.

Finally let's all just celebrate T-mac doing something that everyone can enjoy... stomping all over the Spurs.

T-mac's theme song: Stop Frontin' - KRS-One

More good than clutch..sometimes neither

While the first half of a year can often painfully drag on like an episode of Two and a Half Men, the two leagues are finally getting to the final 30 or so games. In the NHL playoff race: in the East, there are 7 times fighting it out for 5 final spots. In the West, the last 4 playoff spots are virtually up for grabs with all 11 lower teams. In the NBA...who cares? There are two teams the Lakers could play in the finals, making all but the final series more pointless than an episode of, well, Two and a Half Men.

Most unclutch plays:



I don't know exactly where he was going with this idea but he had a change of heart. Unlike this man. Who has no heart. But this was at the beginning of the game..for a fail of a more epic variety:



But perhaps basketball can win this one after all with a clutch performance from:



More comical than Jake at his most hilarious.

Maybe the ugly tree wasn't the best place to build the clubhouse...

The Half Court Press is back with another update. I'm sure you three subscribers out there (you know who you are!) will be thrilled. Now that the Canucks have won for the first time in about a month and I can stop reading ten to fifteen articles a day about Sundins effect on the dressing room, my time has been freed up enough to post some informative, quality material: an evaluation of the ugliest players and execs of the NBA and the NHL. Warning: little children or pregnant women are advised to avoid looking these pictures.

First up, representing the NBA, Sam Cassell





Sure, his modeling career never got off the ground, and conspiracy theorists list him as the definitive evidence for the Roswell incident, but the man is ugly, not circus ugly. For that we turn to:

NHL:




Throughout his career, Mike Ricci stayed in fantastic shape by frequently being chased from villages by torch-waving townspeople. But when you consider this guy is married to this chick, hockey players can clearly compensate for the lack of looks or teeth.


ADVANTAGE: NHL, especially if one considers the ugliness of crushing fans expectations.

Rating players has been done before, but a complete picture wouldn't be complete without some executives. In the NHL, we find Darryl Sutter:







And yes, there is a remarkable likeness to this guy.








But of course, the edge will have to go to the NBA on this one, thanks to the man below whose soul literally absorbs sunlight: