Merry Christmas, Dallas

Volumes of work, probably eclipsing the works of Shakespeare, have been written about the NHL "loser point" and its impact on the standings. Therefore, I don't expect to add much to the debate, but as a fan of the only team in the NHL without an overtime or shootout loss (and one that's currently out of a playoff spot), I'm curious to see how the year would be if the NHL tabulated its points totals differently. I'll look at three scenarios: the current system (2 points for a win, 1 point for an OT/SO loss, 0 for a regulation loss), a win or lose system (2 points for a win, 0 for a loss), and another proposed system (3 points per regulation win, 2 for an OT/SO win, 1 for an OT/SO loss, and 0 for a regulation loss. Let's check a breakdown:

Current system: (with OTL in brackets)

East:

1. New Jersey - 53 pts (1)

2. Washington - 52 pts (6)

3. Buffalo - 47 pts (3)

4. Pittsburgh - 53 pts (1)

5. Boston - 43 pts (7)

6. Atlanta - 40 pts (4)

7. Ottawa - 40 pts (4)

8. NY Rangers - 39 pts (3)

9. Montreal - 39 pts (3)

10. Florida - 39 pts (7)

11. Tampa Bay - 35 pts (9)

12. NY Islanders - 35 pts (7)

13. Philly - 34 pts (2)

14. Toronto - 34 pts (8)

15. Carolina - 24 pts (6)

West:

1. Chicago - 51 pts (3)

2. San Jose - 51 pts (7)

3. Colorado - 48 pts (6)

4. Phoenix (wtf?) - 48 pts (2)

5. LA - 47 pts (3)

6. Nashville - 47 pts (3)

7. Calgary - 45 pts (5)

8. Dallas - 43 pts (11)

9. Vancouver - 42 pts (0)

10. Detroit - 41 pts (5)

11. St. Louis - 39 pts (5)

12. Minnesota - 39 pts (3)

13. Anaheim - 37 pts (7)

14. Columbus - 35 pts (7)

15. Edmonton - 34 pts (4)

Now, with just wins as a measure (ties go to those with less games played, 2nd tiebreaker is more losses is OT):

1. New Jersey - 52 pts

2. Washington - 46 pts

3. Buffalo - 44 pts

4. Pittsburgh - 52 pts

5. Boston - 36 pts

6. Atlanta - 36 pts

7. Ottawa - 36 pts

8. NY Rangers - 36 pts

9. Montreal - 36 pts

10. Philly - 32 pts

11. Florida - 32 pts

12. NY Islanders - 28 pts

13. Tampa Bay - 26 pts

14. Toronto - 26 pts

15. Carolina - 18 pts (yikes)

West:

1. Chicago - 48 pts

2. Phoenix (double wtf) - 46 pts

3. Vancouver - 44 pts

4. San Jose - 44 pts

5. LA - 44 pts

6. Nashville - 44 pts

7. Colorado - 42 pts

8. Calgary - 40 pts

9. Detroit - 36 pts

10. Minnesota - 36 pts

11. St. Louis - 34 pts

12. Dallas - 32 pts

13. Anaheim - 30 pts

14. Edmonton - 30 pts

15. Columbus - 28 pts

Now, time to dust off the muliplication tables and figure out the last format:

1. New Jersey - 79 pts

2. Washington - 75 pts

3. Buffalo - 69 pts

4. Pittsburgh - 79 pts

5. Boston - 61 pts

6. Atlanta - 58 pts

7. Ottawa - 58 pts

8. NY Rangers - 57 pts

9. Montreal - 57 pts

10. Florida - 55 pts

11. Philly - 50 pts

12. NY Islanders - 49 pts

13. Tampa Bay - 48 pts

14. Toronto - 47 pts

15. Carolina - 35 pts

West:

1. Chicago - 75 pts

2. Phoenix - 71 pts

3. Colorado - 69 pts

4. San Jose - 73 pts

5. LA - 69 pts

6. Nashville - 69 pts

7. Calgary - 65 pts

8. Vancouver - 63 pts

9. Detroit - 59 pts

10. Dallas - 59 pts

11. Minnesota - 57 pts

12. St. Louis - 56 pts

13. Anaheim - 52 pts

14. Edmonton - 49 pts

15. Columbus - 49 pts

So what do we find? In terms of difference between measurements 2 and 3, not a whole lot. Vancouver dropped 5 spots, and Dallas rose 3, but other than that no other team moved more than one spot. I don't have the fancy math degree required to measure parity between these two systems, but the parity in the current system and system 3 are massive, where 5 wins separates 3rd and 12th in the West in system 1, and 4.3 wins seperates 3rd and 12th in system 3. Even though the standings in all three systems are relatively similar, with the exceptions of teams that, you know, win (Vancouver) and teams that lose closely (Dallas).

System 3 would be a tough system to put in place, considering that standings would need four columns of statistics (W, OTW, RL, L), bringing us back to the dreaded days of 2003 (W, L, T, OTL). The simplest system that would appeal to the "casual" fan that Bettman has such an erection for would be, of course, system 2, where the NHL could revert to the winning percentage system that all three other major sports use. Personally, this system makes the most sense to this writer. A win is a win, and a loss is a loss. Parity is good, but this is created by an effective cap system. Artificially created parity, like the results of the current system, are good for Stars season ticket holders but bad for the game. When only 7 or 8 teams in the league have "losing records," it's time for a change.

But in the meantime, Merry Christmas to our faithful readers. And Merry Christmas, Dallas Stars.

I Still Write

I just wanted to show that I'm still alive and that even though I haven't been writing about hockey or basketball, I've been covering a more important sport.

Here's the decade's best men's epeeists (2000-2009):

10) Gabor Boczko – Boczko represents a few fencers by taking this semi-honorable, semi-insulting tenth position. He’s here for all the guys who’ve been able to dominate a season, or two, or more, but have never been able to pull the trigger in the big events. I could easily replace him with Christoph Marik, Alfredo Rota, or Joerg Fiedler but Boczko’s consistently high rank and his match with Abajo in the 2008 Olympics really epitomize what this spot on the ranking is about. The bronze medal match in Beijing represented Boczko’s best chance to medal at a major competition - one win away from a medal and his opponent was a man he had absolutely dominated the last two times they’d fenced. However, the match went into overtime and Boczko predictably lost.

9) Krisztian Kulcsar – Kulcsar’s was a triumphant comeback story. After quitting fencing following the Hungarian team’s silver medal in Athens, Kulcsar was able to come back to the sport and win five consecutive one-point matches en route to beating Boisse in the 2007 St. Petersburg final and capturing his only World title. Kulcsar suffers in my rankings because he took so much of the decade off and because he appeared to be overly satisfied with his one title – evidenced by a lacklustre performance in Beijing where he never threatened to repeat.

8) Ruben Limardo – This entry may come as a surprise to some given his lack of results at the senior level but he belongs here for one reason - the 2004/2005 junior season. During this season Limardo won every single junior world cup he entered and capped it off with the Junior World Championship at the end of the season. Limardo has yet to live up to this promise as a senior but that one season was more memorable than many of the senior champions on this list.

7) Jerome Jeannet – This spot could easily go to José Luis Abajo as both of them have attained two bronze medals at World/Olympic Championships over the decade; however, Jeannet’s incredible team record and his European titles sets him a little bit ahead and robs Abajo of a spot on the list. Though often overshadowed by his younger brother, J. Jeannet stuck with the sport even after Fabrice quit and was rewarded with his second Worlds medal in three years in Antalya, ensuring a strong future for French fencing.

6) Anton Avdeev – Avdeev is the biggest surprise on this list, which makes sense since he was the most surprising World Champion that I can recall – he could be a flash in the pan like another Russian, Beketov, or, since he’s still very young, this could be the start of something amazing. By my ranking I’m leaning towards an extended run of strong performances by the Russian dynamo. Also, being an epee World Champion at 5’8” is an uncommon enough occurrence to warrant this placing.

5) Wang Lei – Wang is a champion - even though his world ranking is never very high, he always brings his best game to the biggest competitions. In 2004, he did the unthinkable in crushing Pavel Kolobkov on his way to Olympic silver. In 2006 he won gold in overtime in possibly the most upset-ridden World Championships of all time. In 2008, he was defeated by a combination of Verwijilen, the referee and nerves due to the hometown pressure. Regardless, any major competition Wang is a threat.

4) Marcel Fischer – Fischer lives for the Olympics. Back in 2000 he fought his way to the foot of the podium before losing out and finishing fourth. In 2004 he had a second chance and he didn’t squander it – he dominated the field on his way to a gold medal. Amazingly, Fischer almost missed out on the Olympics entirely that year. In one of the last qualifying World Cups of the season (Vancouver), Rota and Fischer were both battling it out to qualify individually. Both made the semi-finals and Fischer was matched up against Cody Mattern, who had been on fire all day. Fischer seemed to let his nerves get to him and made some dumb mistakes and was dispatched by the American. Rota, meanwhile, had the more proven veteran, Hugues Obry, in his bracket and fought to a 14-14 tie before winning off a parry riposte and dancing down the piste to shake hands. In the final Rota demolished Mattern and knocked Fisher out of his Olympic spot. Fischer only qualified by winning the European zonal tournament.

3) Matteo Tagliariol- This selection is based partly on results but even more on potential. Tagliariol has only been to two senior Worlds and one Olympics, so he hasn’t had the time to compile the type of impressive resumé that the two fencers who are ahead of him possess. Tagliariol’s fencing is aesthetically beautifully and deadly effective. He is a modern-day Muhammad Ali, unfortunately without the quotability.

2) Fabrice Jeannet – A list with Kolobkov at number one would be incomplete without Fabrice Jeannet at number two. Despite an amazing career, Jeannet’s success has been handcuffed by Kolobkov’s dominance over the period. Jeannet had epic final matches with Kolobkov in both 2002 and 2005, but never prevailed. In 2003, the one year that Jeannet won senior individual Worlds, Kolobkov was not there. Instead he was trapped in France due to an Air France flight attendants’ strike. Still, Jeannet has been a rock for the French team, winning team gold in both Athens and Beijing and four of the six World Championships he competed in during the decade. Jeannet capped off the decade by taking silver in Beijing to Tagliariol.

1) Pavel Kolobkov – Simply the most dominant epee fencer in recent history, perhaps even the greatest of all time. During the stretch he captured two individual Olympic medals, one of which was gold, and three World Champion titles. If the contest was changed to the best men’s epeeist of the past two decades, Kolobkov would fare even better, having captured an additional three World titles in the 90’s. Kolobkov’s contributions to the sport transcend his results, as he has influenced an entire generation of mullet-haired Russian epee fencers.

The HCP's Breakdown of the Kovalchuk Rumors

zzOMG!! Kovalchuk to Vancouverzzz! The internets are going crazy these days with rumors about Kovalchuk demanding a max (10 year, 11.5 mil) deal from the ATL, and the Thrashers, not exactly rolling in money these days, turning it down. Before we all get our panties in a twist, lets not forget every single sports rumor site floods their boards with rumors about Canadian teams to boost their readers. Gionta has been on the verge of donning the stick-in-rink for at least two years, as every big name is linked to the Habs, Leafs, or Canucks. However, the Kovalchuk rumors, while possibly made up, do make a lot of sense. The two other rumored teams are the Kings and Wings; the Kings are unlikely to part with young, cheap talent and mess with a chemistry that's put them on top of the league, and the Wings aren't the type to go after big-name rental players at the deadline. So why does the deal make sense for the Canucks? Here's the rumored deal:

Canucks get: Kovalchuk

Thrashers get: Demitra, Schneider (the young one, some say a d-man instead), Grabner, and a 1st

For Gillis, I'm sure this deal would hinge on a sign-and-trade, since Gillis has a hardon for young talent and draft picks. However, with the signing of the Sedins and Luongo, the Canucks essentially have a 5-year window for the Cup. If Gillis can add big name talent right away, instead of waiting for young players and picks to develop, he'll do it. Sedin-Sedin-Burrows and Raymond-Kesler-Kovalchuk. Bitch please.

For Waddell, who's made some, er, questionable trades in the past (see 10, 9, and then go have a satisfied look at 1 for a bit), the deal makes sense for him, picking up a talented second liner in Grabner, a 1st, the best goalie in the A. Perhaps most importantly, it gets him Demitra, since the Thrashers NEED to make the playoffs this year (see: link in the the second sentence). Win now, win later is a win-win, especially if his back is against the wall and risking losing the 'Chuk for nothing, which will most certainly get him fired. (Don't worry Thrashers fan, he'll probably get fired either way.) The only thing stopping him is another team stepping up with a better deal, which could easily happen but if this is on his plate at the deadline he can be satisfied in taking it.

The only other variable is the salary cap. Assuming it stays around its current level (it's supposed to change by 2.5 million, but it's not clear if that's up or down), Gillis would have to unload some salary. If the Thrashers don't bite on Young Schneider (seeing as how they have Pavelec and Lehtonen), I wouldn't be surprised if Gillis tosses a guy like Bieksa into the deal, provided we get a serviceable (say, Christoph Schubert) d-man back. Assuming Wellfed (this picture, occupying the top 5 spots on the Google image search for Wellwood, will never get old) is gone, and Kesler gets his raise to about 4.5 mil, with the loss of Demitra, Old Man Schneider, and Bieksa that'll clear about 9 million give or take for Kovalchuk. Mitchell is coming off the books at 3.5 as well, and as much as we need him back, it'll give Gillis a bit of breathing room to work with. And come on, Gillis owns the cap. He's found more nooks and crannies than Tiger Woods (come on...I had to get one in).

So, Kovalchuk and Schubert to the Canucks? Demitra, Bieksa, Grabner, and a 1st back? Get 'er done.

Bonus: A week and a half before the Team Canada roster is announced, here's the HCP's picks:

nash-crosby-iginla
heatley-thornton-marleau
smyth-getzlaf-perry
morrow-mike richards-doan
toews

seabrook-keith
niedermayer-weber
boyle-pronger
regehr

brodeur
lou
fleury
alternates: savard, lecavalier, doughty

The Top 3 Most Overrated Fruits/Vegetables

I'll level with you: it hasn't been the kind of start we expected when Sam and I first started writing a blog. We figured if we gave it a couple months, the money and women would be rolling in soon enough. Turns out our expectations on the whole sex/drugs/rock and roll aspect of writing on a blog once a month were a tad high.

I'm not sure Sam checks the blog anymore, and sometimes I feel like I'm writing for my own personal benefit. So here's my experiment: I'm going to lay down something that's been on my chest for awhile - the most overrated fruits and vegetables - and see how long Sam takes to mention it to me. I put the over-under at 3 weeks, right around exam time. Good luck!

3. Cauliflower - It's tasteless, colorless, and it's consistency is downright unappealing. It's the tofu of the vegetable kingdom. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that this "food" is still on the market is a sign that it's overrated.

2. Bananas - Let me make it clear: I am a huge fan of the banana. I eat a banana a day at least. But the whole hype over this disease that's supposed to wipe it out is overblown. I really don't care enough to get pumped up for some Save The Banana! campaign. We've got scientists and they seem pretty smart: if they can whip up an H1N1 vaccine in a couple months I'm sure they can get their shit together over a piece of fruit. And if not, I'll just eat more apples. And banana-cream flavored puddings. No sweat.

1. Oranges - Don't get me wrong: I'm a huge fan of mandarins, clementines, and the whole juice thing but a regular orange? Pass. It's way too much effort to prepare and eat to make it a viable snack and it's taste doesn't match anything outside of very specific breakfasts. Yet this fruit has its own popular saying (apples and oranges, matched with the powerhouse apple no less), its own linguistic claim to fame (big whoop, it doesn't rhyme with anything) its own joke (a knock-knock joke, which doesn't count for shit), and is served at halftime at kids' soccer games worldwide. You want to help your team out? Stop cutting up little orange slices and give us Gatorade. Fuck the orange.

Thoughts A Month In..Fluke or For Real?

Well, my awards predictions never really materialized, which saved me from the embarrasment of praising Hodgson (sent to juniors) and Filatov (1 goal in 8 games) as the Calder frontrunners. Pierre LeBrun was not so lucky, and actually changed his prediction of Hodgson a week or so into the season (it now reads van Riemsdyk...I wonder if Hradek is thinking of changing his Calder pick too.) Now, however, we're a month in, and my preseason predictions are already jumbled. Last year it took a few months to figure out if Boston was for real, so leave it to the HCP to sort things out and see if these standings surprises are flukes or for real.

Colorado: 1st in the West, 1st in the league. Two teams in the league now stand at 10 wins. Pittsburgh was no stretch, but the Avs? A team that was likely ranked no higher than 13th on most preseason predictions? This team is now 5 points clear of number 2 in the conference, and owes its success to two things: health and goaltending. A healthy Stastny has given the Avs top line some offensive pop, while Craig Anderson has been out of this world. I loved the signing over the summer, but no one could have predicted it would be this successful so far. Their rookies O'Reilly and Duchene have looked great, and Quincy has been valuable after the Smyth trade, with 8 points and a +6 thus far. Will they end up finishing on top of the West? No. But if the team stays healthy and continue to get solid goaltending, the Avs can do what no analyst could have predicted: compete for a low playoff spot.

Call: FOR REAL

Los Angeles: 2nd in the West. You don't have to look too far down past the Avs to find the Kings. Their young stars are blossoming and Kopitar, who the Canucks should have taken in 2005, is a top 5 goal scorer. I still think Quick isn't good enough to keep this team on top, but they'll stay competitive and be in the playoff picture all year.

Call: FOR REAL

Phoenix: 7th in the West. The team everyone thought would be playing shinny with the Avs by December is right up there. Firing Wayne Gretzky and hiring Dave Tippet was an excellent move, if classlessly excecuted. But relying on an aging Jovocop and Aucoin to be in their top 3 scorers and lead the team to the playoffs isn't likely

Call: FLUKE

Detroit: 12th in the West. It's Detroit. They can't rely on Osgood to waltz into a division championship anymore, but they'll be top 5 by the end of the year. Also, they've had to play the powerhouse Avs twice already.

Call: FLUKE

Canucks: 10th in the West. They've looked better after a slow start, and Lou was starting to round into shape before he cracked his ribs against the Leafs (no, not from laughing his way to the Leafs' 8th straigh Getzlaf t loss). Hopefully his injury, as well as the other half of the forward core, will heal up and this team will get back on track.

Call: FLUKE

Anaheim: 14th in the West. I refuse to believe this team is not a playoff contender. Their goaltending has been awful; Hiller and Giguere are much better than this. Hopefully, for the Ducks as well as Team Canada, that sports hernia surgery he had over the summer hasn't gone wrong.

Call: FLUKE

Ottawa: 6th in the East. Mike Fisher at a point per game? Volchenckov has gone down with an injury, and Kovalev has done little else but stand around and take shots on the power play. Chris Phillips has more points than Cheechoo. Don't get your hopes up.

Call: FLUKE

Buffalo: 3rd in the East. Miller is red hot, and Myers looks like a stud (these are endearing hockey terms, no need for further interpretation). And Vanek hasn't even turned it on yet. But can Connolly stay healthy? Can a team with only a couple recognizable names beat out the Bruins once they get healthy?

Call: FLUKE

Toronto: 15th in the East. Saving the best for last. Watching the Laffs drop 8 straight as a Canadian hockey fan outside of the GTA is very satisfying indeed. But the team is still getting used to each other, and the Monster has the potential for at least solid goaltending. I still don't agree with the Kessel trade, but the Leafs won't finish last with him in the lineup. And even if they do, they lose a top 5 pick for a 21 year old who already has a 36 goal season under his belt. If they finish last the year after that, however...

Call: As much as I hate to say it, the Leafs are better than this. FLUKE

And remember, its only 10 games in. As James Duthie says, do try and avoid premature evaluation. It can be very embarrassing.

Prediction Season: East Edition!!

As for the East, in extremely played out, lame cliques/puns:

15. New York Islanders - Deserted Island. They're building a few good pieces, but there are so very many holes. This team needs another few years. Tavares prediction: 26 goals, 23 assists.

14. Florida Panthers - Cat-astrophe. Honestly, I didn't think Florida was a bottom 2 team in the East, but I had trouble finding teams to put them ahead of, and it just kind of happened. Like the Isles, they have a gem in Booth, but losing Bouwmeester and replacing him with Brodeur's water boy proves this team isn't committed to winning. Their temporary GM is still temporary three months later. That speaks loudly to the trouble this franchise is in.

13. Ottawa Senators - Sens-ationally disappointing. In my earlier predictions, I told you how I, well, disagreed with some of the moves Bryan Murray has made. The fact that Chris Kelly is making 2.125 million over the next 3 years alone should be enough to get canned. Getting fleeced on the Heatley deal hardly changes my mind. For a team whose moves aren't influenced by cheap owners or poor fan support, Murray remains the worst GM in hockey today.

12. Tampa Bay Lightning - Can Lighting Strike Twice? They bolstered their defense by adding eight or nine defensemen. Loading up on free agents worked so well last year, why not give Ohlund 7 years? The team, however, has some young talent and will be competitive in another year or two.

11. Atlanta Thrashers - Surprise Thrashing. Seriously, how do sports reporters in Atlanta do it? There are literally no clever puns with Atlanta's name, except to use it as an adjective. Oh right, they don't report on the Thrashers. In all seriousness, I wanted to put this team higher, but it got edged by a few other bubble teams. If rookie goaltender Pavelec, who's drawing a lot of buzz out of camp, can shine, this team might slip into the 8th spot. The Thrashers are deeper on defense and will make a push at the deadline to show Kovalchuk that this team is headed in the right direction. They'll be close this year, and they'll get a deal done.

10. Toronto Maple Leafs - The Leafs are Blowing. No, the Leafs are no longer the laughingstock of the league (laugh at Komisarek. He dares you.), but they'll still be out of the hunt again this year. The Leafs will be tougher to play against than last year, but not necessarily a whole lot better. Kessel doesn't have a legitimate set-up man, and unfortunately for Burke, hockey games are determined by goals, not Gordie Howe hat tricks.

9. Buffalo Sabres - Buffal-oh so close. Poor Buffalo. Their team used to have such promise and now they're treading water. They keep their core but refuse to add the missing pieces that allow them to take that next step. They've finished 10th twice in a row, and they'll be right on the bubble again this year.

8. Montreal Canadiens - The Habs-nots. I haven't met one person here in Montreal yet that's happy with the Canadiens' moves this offseason, and I don't blame them. Rebuilding though free agency doesn't work. Just ask the Rangers. However, they have enough young pieces (and will get a bounce-back year from Price) to make it to late April.

7. NY Rangers - New York Minute. This is Gaborik's projected time in a Rangers uniform before he blows out his groin/knee/vagina. If he doesn't, however, the Rangers will have a stud on their hands. Lundqvist will need to stand tall to get them into the playoffs, while Redden needs to remember how to play professional hockey, perhaps sometime in the next 5 years that are left on his contract.

6. New Jersey Devils - Boring as Hell. The Devils had some promise for excitement with Parise and other young talent, but the addition of Lemaire assures them a playoff berth and a lot of empty seats.

5. Eye of the Staal-m. A bit of a stretch here. Think Boston accent. But the Hurricanes are as good as the face of their franchise takes them. The team has talent and experience, but is it enough to seriously compete, especially with the loss of two puck-moving blueliners in Seidenburg and Babchuk? Staal-my seas ahead, indeed.

4. High Flyers with a Re-Emery-gence. Two for the price of one! Someone's on a roll. Philly is many analysts pick for the Cup, but like Chicago, the issue is in net. They'll be a very good team without 2007 Emery, and a serious Cup contender with him. Either way, they'll finish close to the top of the conference.

3. March of the Penguins. A classic, used at least 15 times by ESPN during their playoff run. They're probably the best team in their conference, if not in the league, but they'll be in tough against Philly and the rest of (most of) their competitive division this year. Also, the Stanley Cup hangover is a real phenomenon. Although, as the Leafs continue to prove, so is the April golf tournament hangover.

2. Washington Capitals - Net Capital Growth. Varlamov so far has been streaky at best (and Theodore is, well, Theodore), and the D may still be too thin for a Cup run but Ovechkin, Backstrom, Green, Semin (79 points in 62 games last year...look out) and the rest will keep this team at the top of the conference.

1. Is something Bruin? They'll be at the top of the Conference thanks to a weak divison and solid team. But Kessel is out and Savard still needs a deal for next year. How far can Thomas flop his way towards a Cup with that kind of offense?

Western Final: Detroit vs. Vancouver. Dark horse: the latest hot pick of analysts everywhere, the Blackhawks could make it if their goaltending holds up.

Eastern Final: Washington vs. Pittsburgh. Somewhere (probably somewhere in Phoenix), Gary Bettman just had a wet dream. If the stars and matchups align, these two teams should be playing each other for the Prince of Wales Trophy. Dark horse: the Flyers. Even with Emery, never count out a team with that much toughness and skill.

The Cup Finals: Vancouver vs. Pittsburgh. The Canucks have the defensive depth, the star goaltending, and a pool of gritty forwards. Their problem? Scoring depth. The Pens have superstars up front, a solid defensive corps, and a goalie who could (should) make the Canadian Olympic team. They also have been there before. Maybe when Hodgson (pronounced Hod-son apparently) or Shirokov develop, the Canucks can make the leap, but for now, the cup remains in Pittsburgh.

Cup Winners: the Pens. Again. Crosby better shake hands this time. Rypien is a lot tougher to fight than, say, Brett McLean. Award winners will come tomorrow or Friday.

Prediction Season is Back!!

Aaand the countdown is on. The Canucks are 5-0-0 in the preseason, which means only one thing: only 1 week until the new Gossip Girl season premiere! Just kidding. Sort of. Also, the NHL season is set to start begin October 1st. A few days after July 1st, once the free agent frenzy had subsided and the post-season depression finally began to kick in, the HCP released its Early, Useless, Unpredictable Predictions for 09-10 season. Now, we're pleased to bring you the Slightly Less Early but No Less Useless Predictions! Starting today, the West, in the form of sometimes slightly dated pop culture references.

15. Phoenix Coyotes - The Star Wars kid. Just sad..so sad. Here's to hoping Hamilton has a bright future. (However, if Phoenix had as many views as this video, they wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. In other news, I am personally responsible for at least half of these views.)

14. Colorado Avalanche - Vincent Chase after Medellin. This team had it all: the money, the fans, the Forsbergs and Sakics. And now its a team destined for the bottom, losing its fans and its financial support and lost the face of the franchise in Sakic. At least its committed to a rebuild. Just beware of Germans.

13. Nashville Predators - Kevin Federline. Totally irrelevent, somehow mildly newsworthy for a while, and we all would be happier if they just disappeared. Their defense got weaker, but still has rocks in Suter and Weber, while their goaltending looks solid too. But that's about it. Their highlight of the last few years: This. (It's Taylor, for those of you who haven't met my future wife.)

12. Los Angeles - Miley Cyrus. Tantalizingly close, but still too freaking young. Maybe next year. I still think they have a little more development before they can take the leap. Many experts are making the Kings their sleeper pick and they could make the leap, but their goaltending and defense is still too weak and young to compete in the West.

11. Oilers - Friendster. Remember when Friendster was cool? (Apparently, it still somehow exists!) Too bad no one would be caught dead on it anymore, right Heatley? The Oilers storied franchise is no longer a place where anyone wants to play or live, and its shown through its lack of ability to attract real talent. Gagner and Cogliano will have better years, but this team isn't deep or skilled enough to compete in the West. And don't even get me started on a 4-year deal for a 36 year old Bulin Wall who had a decent season in a contract year with a blossoming defensive corps.

10. Minnesota Wild - Matthew McConaughey. Untalented, often painful to watch, yet still wildly popular. (Also in consideration: Krusty the Clown) They made some good moves on D, but are ultimately treading water, replacing Gaborik with Gaborik-lite: slightly less injury-prone, slightly less good. This team doesn't need a retooling: it needs a rebuild around Burns and Koivu. By signing Havlat, they secured themselves as a playoff bubble team for years to come. (To find a picture to capture my emotion, I googled "Happiest Man in the World," and found a picture of a man giving himself head. I think I'll move on.)

9. St. Louis Blues - Butters from South Park. Lovable, slightly pathetic, and always finding a way to get the short end of the stick. They got rocked by injuries last year, and still found a way to sneak into the playoffs, where they promptly got sent packing in four games. This year they'll be healthier and a year older, but there isn't enough room for them in the West playoffs.

8. Columbus Blue Jackets - There Will Be Blood. I really didn't like this movie at all, but I watched it for Daniel Day Lewis' performance. This is Nash and the Blue Jackets. The Jackets still have enough to get in - provided Mason doesn't pull a Price - but they don't have much of a shot. However, if you look at their possible first round matchup...

7. Dallas Stars - Righteous Kill. De Niro. Pacino. Together! In a movie! Too bad it sucked. That pretty much summed up the Stars last year: hyped as a Cup contender, and played themselves out of it early. They'll have a bounce back year with a better (surely) Turco and a healthy Richards and Morrow.

6. Calgary Flames - The Girl Next Door. Just kidding Elisha! Seriously though, the top 6 spots in the West are a virtual lock, but ordering them is the hard part. Calgary gets dropped to 6 for one reason: depth. Sure, they have a top line (well, two thirds of one), but who comes after Iggy and Jokinen? Sure, their top 3 may be the best in league, but Sarich is a big drop off. Who's backing up Kipper so he doesn't burn himself out after 76 games? And here's hoping Fleury makes the team.

5. Anaheim Ducks - Mad Men. Apparently it's awesome. Or so I hear. This is the show that I and others always keep meaning to watch, but never do. The Ducks have trouble selling out the Honda Center for playoff games, but have been one of the most entertaining success stories of the past few years. They got dropped to make room for Chicago, but the Ducks have the offense and goaltending to get them far. Their biggest weakness is on the backend, but Scott Neidermayer's continued awesomeness will be enough to hold them together.

4. Chicago Blackhawks - John and Kate plus 8. Turmoil! Cheating! Lots of kids! Maybe I was too harsh on them in my previous rankings. For all their shittiness in Huet, whose latest strategy is trying to disguise himself as Khabibulin, and despite the injury to Hossa, their offense and defense are both absolutely dirty. But won't be enough to overtake the Wings...this year. And no, I didn't take any cheap shots at Patrick Kane. The poor kids already taken enough of a beating. No, wait, that was the cab driver. Hey-oh!

3. Detroit Red Wings - Michael Bay's films. Even though the new Transformer movie drew comparisons to "watching a blender for two hours while somebody shouts at you," it still became one of the highest grossing movies of all time. And so it is with the Wings: no matter the players, the coaches or the low expectations, they always will find a way to win. However, unlike Bay's films, the Wings are both talented and watchable. Even with the loss of key pieces in Hossa, Hudler and depth in Kopecky and Chelios (seen here in a file photo), the Wings still have a lineup to compete for top spot in the West. So why are they third? Their division. With 6 games against Chicago, along with tough competition in St. Louis and Columbus, the Wings will still have enough to come out on top, but not enough to overtake the next team. You know what's coming.

2. Vancouver Canucks - The Land of Chocolate. They're just plain awesome. And no, it's not a homer pick (okay, maybe a little). But the Canucks' shoddy divisional rivals will allow them to overtake the Wings for second in the Conference. Also, they are awesome. Life is good. Can I get a Gillis for President chant anyone? This team finally seems like it has the right mix to make something happen. Not since 30 seconds before this moment have I been so excited. 

1. San Jose - Phil Mickelson at the US Open. While it might be a stretch to use a sports reference for a sports reference, come on! Hit to the back of the freaking green already!! Getting Heatley for a 12-goal scorer in Cheechoo (playing with Thornton or Marleau no less) and a streaky Czech should assure that the Sharks again take down the conference. The playoffs? Good luck with that, Thornton.

Coming later this week: the picks of the East, Cup, and awards. ONE MORE WEEK BABY!!