The Ridiculously Early, Totally Useless and Unpredictable 09-10 Predictions

Here at the HCP we like to get a jump on our competition, the so-called "legitimate" sports websites. Therefore, at risk of falling behind, I'm unveiling my predictions for the 09-10 year, in order of conference finish a mere 14 weeks before the start of the year. To account for perhaps jumping the gun a little early, I'll also go through each teams to-do lists. Ill post again during training camp, after teams have actually assembled their complete rosters.

Today: The West

1. San Jose Sharks - With the retention of all their core players and ridding their team of one of its most notorious douchebags, unless the Sharks still plan on a big roster shakeup, this team is set to regain Joe Thornton's prize of choice, the Presidents Trophy.

To Do: It looks like Shark's GM Doug Wilson is pretty content with his roster as it stands, and will give it one more shot at making the third round before blowing it up. Needs to add some depth after the departure of Goc, Plihal, and others.

2. Detroit Red Wings - No, it's not Chicago time yet. Even with the loss of a lot of key depth players, the Wings have enough prospects and good management that they'll survive, even with a stronger division.

To Do: Recruit their army of Swedish scouts to find some third-line guys that will put no doubt put up 60-70 points.

3. Vancity Canucks - Call me a homer, but this team has the same makeup as the team that won the division last year after losing Luongo for 2 months. If Cody Hodgson is half of the godsend we all expect him to be, this could be a team to beat. If anyone wants to help me work on my statue of Gillis, please apply below.

To Do: Add a puck moving defenseman, sign Luongo and Kesler to extensions.

4. Anaheim Ducks - I've been totally blown away with their new GM Bob Murray. He has shed salary and turned a semi-rebuild (trading key pieces from his Cup run like Pronger and Kunitz) and somehow made his team stronger. After standing 4 minutes away from the Conference Finals last year, they now have Perry-Getzlaf-Ryan and Selanne-Koivu-Lupul, to go along with Neidermayer, Whitney, and Wisniewski on the back end (not to mention Hiller and Giguere in net). This is a very dangerous team.

To-Do: One more defenseman.

5. Calgary Flames - Even though everyone's sold on the Flames as Cup contenders (just like analysts handed them the Cup last year after adding Leopold and Jokinen at the deadline), I'm not convinced. As I laid out in an earlier post, Sutter has too much money tied up in too many players. Curtis "One Win" McElhinny will again give way to Kiprusoff 75+ times during the season, which has ended in first round exits 4 years in a row. And after losing 39 goals in Cammalleri, who's going to make up for all those goals? Iginla? Olli "Leukemia" Jokinen?

To-Do: Free up some room (Sarich?) and get another top-6 forward

6. Chicago Blackhawks - Like Calgary, I'm not sold on the Hawks, mainly because 1) they're already 2 million over the cap, without a full roster, and 2) they're relying on an unmovable contract named Huet in net. Don't forget this team lost their starting goalie to free-agency, and are replacing him with a goalie who was inconsistent. This team is wicked up front and on the back end, but something has got to give, especially with Toews, Kane, Keith, and Ladd up for new contracts next year. That means valuable secondary guys like Barker and Sharp are out the door. And did I mention they have Huet in net? Sorry Hossa, these Hawks aren't Cup contenders yet.

To-Do: Get under the cap without losing key pieces.

7. Dallas Stars - They were too injured, were too inconsistant, and started playing well too late. Expect a bounceback year by Turco, and along with a healthy Richards and Morrow, this team should be back in the playoffs.

To-Do: Another puck-moving d-man to replace Zubov's production, and fire last year's team doctor.

8. Columbus Blue Jackets - I really struggled between my 8 and 9 picks, and I think it'll come down to the wire. Steve Mason won't have the same type of year he had last year, but under Hitchcock he'll still put up great stats. Nash has found his home, and the team around him with Vermette, Huselius..and...Hitchcock as a coach, they'll make it back into the playoffs.

To Do: Defensemen? Maybe? I don't really care enough about many of these lower teams.

9. I hate putting St. Louis out, especially with Erik Johnson coming back this year, but I realized that after watching a series featuring the Blues, I am still unable to name most of their players. Kariya is fading fast, and Chris Mason doesn't strike fear into the heart of even the puck-shooting machine. They'll be close, but take a step back.

10. Edmonton Oilers - These next three teams were pretty tough to rank. The Oilers get the nod with their ability to move the puck on the back end, good coaching, and bounce-back years from Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano. Provided he's on the team. What happens if they trade for Heatley?

11. Minnesota Wild - They could come back and prove me wrong by finishing in the 10 spot, but for all its promise and seemingly smart managerial hirings, this team is worse than last year. Maybe new GM Chuck Fletcher overestimated the amount of free agents who would love living in Fargo-like conditions, but outside of getting an injury-prone, inconsistent sniper to replace an injury prone, consistent sniper, I don't see much. They lost Lemaire's boring, Center-Ice-package-canceling system that hid their - how can I put this lightly - lack of talent. Another year out of the playoffs, another 10th-14th draft pick. Beautiful.

12. Nashville Predators - Outside of a truly sick (I believe that's the word the kids are using these days) defensive core, and Pekka Rinne) this team doesn't have much offense. I would put them lower, but Trotz and company always seem to do better then expected. So I'm going to expect them to do better.

13. Los Angeles - This team is so unpredictable. Is this the year everything comes together and they make a playoff run? Getting Ryan Smyth says they're trying. I'll give them one more year on account of poor goaltending and too much youth, but I might be very wrong.

14. Phoenix Coyotes - How does a team that doesn't have an owner sign off on free agents? Coyotes management has no idea either, and so they left this team to rely on its youth and save the team money. Vodka, anyone?

15. Colorado Avalanche - How sweet it is to have this team at the bottom of conference. They'll be here for another year after this as well. Hopefully next year's draft class is weak.

What I learned during this article: I don't know shit when it comes to spelling players names. I apologize to any current NHL players reading this blog whose names I misspelled.

Reason Number 382 I hate basketball: This song

I'm not sure what's worse, attempting to rhyme "grinding" with "lounging," or the verse where every rhyme is either "dude" or "too" (too is pronounced in a Proposition-Joe-from-the-Wire-esque Baltimore accent).