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Obits

On February 17, 2009, 3-time NBA champion, 1-time 2nd team All-NBA, and 1-time All-Star Sam Cassell was traded from the Boston Celtics to the Sacramento Kings. A day later he was waived.


Since this may be the end for Sam-I-Am, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what he's done for the NBA over his long career.

His physical appearance has always been a big part of how he's been perceived in the league (as Steve pointed out recently). The man has sparked comparisons from Gollum, to ET, to a conehead, and to the Alien. And, according to one douchebag reporter, "[Cassell] has been featured in about 9 rap songs" predictably in similes about ugliness (however, I think we can take whatever the reporter says with a grain of salt since he seems to think that Sam plays for the Lakers).

Sam's legacy doesn't end with his shiny bald forehead though. The one thing that Sam is known for apart from being ugly is for having Gilbert Arenas-sized cojones. Sam took the big-balls dance from the motion picture Major League II and brought it to the NBA. Now, Kobe and Iguodala have taken to performing it after big shots.

These two videos pretty much sum up how Sam Cassell is going to be remembered:

Bringing Sexy Back (the photos repeat after a while)
Vs.

Sam I Am (the background track, coincidentally, is by KRS-One)

RIP Sam

too many grits, and other obesity hilarity

Just as I was about to begin my post on sport man-love (which will come sometime in early March, don't you worry loyal followers), I found out that Tyson Chandler has been sent BACK to New Orleans after failing a physical...awkward. After another trade deadline that resembled the pointlessness of a typical, 20 minute last sixty seconds of any basketball game, I figured I'd throw out some examples of the less physically gifted of our respective sports, at least before I check my lotto picks and see if I can retire from this lucrative blogging career.

EDIT: Not only did I lose the lotto, but I found that the Chandler had been voided because of a turf toe injury, not because of a crippling urge for four cheese pizza. Fuck it, I stand by what I write, mainly because its a good excuse to vent on:

Bryant "Maybe Just One More Slice" Reeves of the Vancouver Grizzlies (in a file photo seen here) once showed up to training camp a whopping 40 pounds overweight. Already harnessing the nickname "Big Country" became a source of ridicule, as fans mercilessly taunted him until my lungs were sore. Some say his massive girth, contract, and lack of physical ability were the reason the Grizz skipped town. Others agree. Either way, Bryant Reeves became the symbol of the failure of my beloved team.

In other news, Shaq weighs 320 pounds. How is this a sport again?

The portly man has no place within the NHL, but the 215 pound Martin Brodeur was ridiculed by Sean Avery for being fat after their 2008 playoff series. Its a good thing he didn't run into, oh I don't know, this guy, or some serious feelings might have been hurt.

The Tragedy of T-mac

Though the epic fail T-mac pulled on that layup attempt Steve posted was hilarious, I feel like I've got to get Tracy's back on this one. The guy is going through a rough time right now (personally and professionally) and I don't think we should all be hating on him. First of all, T-mac's self-stuff was NOT the most pathetic lay-up ever performed by a professional basketball player - that distinction belongs to David Wesley:

Secondly, T-mac's knee is not the only thing causing him pain as Yao apparently has "had just about enough" of his absences and injuries. If T-mac gets shipped out of Houston then we will never again get to see exchanges like this one:

That kind of touching man-love is almost unheard of outside of Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer's relationship in Two and a Half Men. So I think we can excuse T-mac for that Rapper Willy-esque layup this one time - he was probably thinking about how he's never going to get invited back to dinners like this one.

Finally let's all just celebrate T-mac doing something that everyone can enjoy... stomping all over the Spurs.

T-mac's theme song: Stop Frontin' - KRS-One

More good than clutch..sometimes neither

While the first half of a year can often painfully drag on like an episode of Two and a Half Men, the two leagues are finally getting to the final 30 or so games. In the NHL playoff race: in the East, there are 7 times fighting it out for 5 final spots. In the West, the last 4 playoff spots are virtually up for grabs with all 11 lower teams. In the NBA...who cares? There are two teams the Lakers could play in the finals, making all but the final series more pointless than an episode of, well, Two and a Half Men.

Most unclutch plays:



I don't know exactly where he was going with this idea but he had a change of heart. Unlike this man. Who has no heart. But this was at the beginning of the game..for a fail of a more epic variety:



But perhaps basketball can win this one after all with a clutch performance from:



More comical than Jake at his most hilarious.

Maybe the ugly tree wasn't the best place to build the clubhouse...

The Half Court Press is back with another update. I'm sure you three subscribers out there (you know who you are!) will be thrilled. Now that the Canucks have won for the first time in about a month and I can stop reading ten to fifteen articles a day about Sundins effect on the dressing room, my time has been freed up enough to post some informative, quality material: an evaluation of the ugliest players and execs of the NBA and the NHL. Warning: little children or pregnant women are advised to avoid looking these pictures.

First up, representing the NBA, Sam Cassell





Sure, his modeling career never got off the ground, and conspiracy theorists list him as the definitive evidence for the Roswell incident, but the man is ugly, not circus ugly. For that we turn to:

NHL:




Throughout his career, Mike Ricci stayed in fantastic shape by frequently being chased from villages by torch-waving townspeople. But when you consider this guy is married to this chick, hockey players can clearly compensate for the lack of looks or teeth.


ADVANTAGE: NHL, especially if one considers the ugliness of crushing fans expectations.

Rating players has been done before, but a complete picture wouldn't be complete without some executives. In the NHL, we find Darryl Sutter:







And yes, there is a remarkable likeness to this guy.








But of course, the edge will have to go to the NBA on this one, thanks to the man below whose soul literally absorbs sunlight: