The Hangover 2: Montreal Canadiens Edition

As I and the rest of Montreal recover from our collective night out Wednesday, the hockey world is still reeling from the shock of the Caps falling to the eighth-seeded Habs. That comeback capped off a hell of a first round where every series (minus the one with those awful, awful Devils) was close, entertaining, and a whole lot of fun. I stand by 6/8 predictions correct: bring on Round 2.

#1 San Jose Sharks vs. #5 Detroit Red Wings

While making the young Avs their dinner
San Jose scored all 6 winners
And now these choke kings get their chance
Against the reigning Conference champs
As Mule came back the Wings stood tenth
They're 20-6-and-4 since then
While Howard whines about bad luck
These Wings know how to own the puck
But aging bodies hurt this sleeper
The Sharks are better, faster, deeper
This time the other Joe comes through
And finally gives the Sharks their due

Against my better judgment, Sharks in 7 to make the conference finals.

#2 Chicago Blackhawks vs. #3 Vancouver Canucks

A hard fought series, that's for sure
By which we mean catfights from Burr
Sammy's point streak grows and grows
Like "20 Cent" Kane's greasy flows
With hate aplenty and some ass kicked
This has the makings of a classic
But Lou could be a goat again
If he can't see past Byfuglien
And Alberts' speed and discipline (read: none of the above)
Will hurt the 'Nucks on the back end
But homerism and revenge
Will let me pick the boys again

God, I hate the Blackhawks. Canucks in 7

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #8 Montreal Canadiens

So..awkward...*shifts eyes to the floor*
We picked the Caps would roll in 4
We all thought they showed Stanley promise
Except for R.J. Nostradamus
For Ovie, what a year its been
Two beat-downs from Canadi(a/e)ns
So now the Habs will face the Pens
And try and shock the world again
With Halak doing his best Roy
They'll battle for a third-round draw
But while I'd love a second riot
Sid and Co. will keep them quiet.

Watching Halak feels like the Habs could do something special, but just can't pick them over the Pens..can I? Pens in 6

#6 Boston Bruins vs. #7 Philadelphia Flyers

With Devils, Caps, and Sabres gone
The least of the East will battle on

Savard's back..Rask is good...no Carter/Gagne/Laperriere for the Flyers..the series should be entertaining and have a couple good scraps. I don't have too much else to say. How does a 6th seed get home ice in the second round? Only in the sad, sad East. Bruins in 6.

HANK FOR MVP. You may find this surprising but the Half Court Press somehow does not get a Hart vote.

The Half Court Press Blows Up, Gets Rich and Famous, Throws It All Away on Hookers and Coke Parties

This news is a little overdue, but exam time has hit me pretty hard. As our most religious followers out there may already know, the Half Court Press' Playoff Previews were featured on Yahoo! Sports Puck Daddy Blog last week. And by featured, I mean buried amid the daily Puck Headlines. Baby steps..baby steps. Many thanks to Wysh over at Puck Daddy for the shoutout. Here's a link and the screenshot:

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Puck-Headlines-Inside-Souray-s-trade-demand-Ha?urn=nhl,233633

Also: how amazing has the first round been so far? Even Bill Simmons over at ESPN - who never misses an opportunity to bash his once-beloved Bruins - has been talking up playoff hockey (I now expect an excited blog post from Bill about how he was featured on the HCP). I'll be back for round 2 predictions after the craziness is over.

First Round Picks, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Whichever Team Had the Chance to Push Detroit out of the 6th Seed

Coming up: First round predictions: in rhyme! Because all the kids today go crazy for poems.

The art of scoreboard watching in the new NHL is a roller coaster of emotion and loyalties. As Canuck fans desperate to keep the Wings out of sixth, we found ourselves switching sides by the day: we cheered as Nashville fell to the Coyotes, and then days later celebrated as they toughed it out in shootout against the Blues. I gave a hearty fist-pump after Los Angeles came from three down against the Ducks, and then were forced to cheer for the sad-excuse-for-a-hockey-team Oilers to beat the Kings. Detroit was even worse: I cheered for victories, then defeats against Columbus, and by the time the clock was winding down in their final game against Chicago, I was cheering for a goal. Any goal. But while the last few days have left me feeling like a compulsive gambler chasing obscure prop bets, the Canucks avoided the Wings and will take on the Kings. So now that the cream of the crop are headed to the playoffs (notwithstanding seeds 4-8 in the East) it's time for Steve's first round predictions.

In the West:

#1 Sharks vs. # 8 Avs

We picked the Avs to get their ass kicked
But Sacco found his inner Sakic
And made the playoffs in the West
A veiled “fuck you” to the Half Court Press
So bring the Sharks, bring the Joe
Bring the Heater, Pat Marleau
But while a choke could take them down
They'll save it for the second round

Sharks in 5

#2 Blackhawks vs. # 7 Predators

Hopes are up on the South Side
With pig-nosed murals flying high
“We'll beat 'em bad” boasts Patrick Kane
“Like cabbies lacking proper change.”
In Nashville, (surprisingly) many
Pin their hopes on Pekka Rinne
While Music City's got some push
A miracle is just too much

'Hawks in 5

#3 Canucks vs. # 6 Kings

Sedins vs Anze? Lou vs Quick?
But you expect analysis?
A homer choice, you know the pick
The King(s) is dead, Canucks in six

#4 Coyotes vs. # 5 Wings

Balsille's dream of relocation
Must have spurred some motivation
So come to golfing's hottest spot
It's where the Flames are teeing off (bazam!)
But home advantage's MIA
With announced crowds of 58
No tin foil hat conspiracies
Can stop the Red Wing's dynasty
Tippet's system will try and try
But Motor City rolls in five.

And in the sad, sad East:

#1 Capitals vs. # 8 Canadiens

Le blanc, le blue, and the red
Took on the Leafs and shat the bed
“So t'anks to dose anglo assholes
We 'ave to play da Capitals?”
Good luck competing with Ovechkin
Even with his Laichs for Semin
So while policemen hide their cars
And Habs fans boast of “notre histoire”
The ghosts of hockey's past can't keep
The Caps from wining in a sweep.

#2 Devils vs. # 7 Flyers

Remember when we said that Philly
Had a shot at winning? Really?
They thought they'd solved their goalie woes
With one who's powdering his nose?
Even Pronger's flying elbows
Can't save Boucher from the Devils
Parise's hands are smooth like butter
And they ditched dead weight named Sutter
And Kovy's made his getaway
To a place where hockey's played in May.
But Philly's bound to keep us guessing
Until their inevitable first round exit

Devils in 7

#3 Sabres vs. # 6 Bruins

Kessel-less, the B's lack scoring
They say “D-first,” but we say boring
Miller's sick, and tough to beat
Unless you wear the Maple Leaf (ba-boom!)
In Myers, Ruff has found a rock
Until he's UFA and walks
B's goals: over under...9?
Some way, somehow they'll win this time.

Bruins in 7

# 4 Penguins vs. #5 Senators

At HCP, I've had my rants
About Murray's glaring incompetence
Kovy? Bust. Milan for Danny?
But Clouston's got them playing for Stanley
So do I owe apologies?
...Please.
They made the playoff in the East.
And struggled with consistency
And won't compete with Sid Crosby
And though we back Canadian teams*
For ABC**, its just a dream

*Calgary not included
**ABC, of course, is Anyone But the Canucks

Pens in 6

Finally, let's give some big ups for Sam. After taking a prolonged hiatus doing more important work (namely, the Family Feud game on Facebook. Which is awesome.), he really broke through with his predictions, found right below these ones.

First Round Predictions For Playoff Contenders

Western Conference

1) Sharks

8) Avalanche

The Sharks will choke... in the 2nd round. But they're too good to lose to a slumping Colorado team even with Anderson doing his best "Kipper in '04" imitation. Sharks in 5.

2) Blackhawks

7) Predators

Despite the Hawks shaky goaltending, they are simply too talented at every other position for the Preds to have a chance. I predict Rinne and Hornqvist will play as well as they always do, and that they will be discussed by someone outside of Nashville for the first time this season. Preds always hang tough so this'll go 6.

3) Canucks

6) Kings

Despite the 8-3 shellacking that the Canucks received a week and a half ago, they are strong favourites here. Better offense, better goaltending and more experience should lead to a 4-1 series win. Since it's the Canucks, it'll go 7.

4) Coyotes

5) Red Wings

If I hadn't spent the past week sacrificing neighbourhood cats so that the Canucks wouldn't have to face Detroit (you're welcome Vancouver fans) then this would have been a tough match-up to predict. The Wings at full-strength, in the "real season" and with solid goaltending are just too much for Tippett, Bryzgalov, Doaner and the rest of this rangy bunch to handle. Wings in 6.

Eastern Conference

1) The Capitals

The East just sucks.

So long, Flames

This post is dedicated to the demise of the 2009-2010 Calgary Flames, the most disappointing/hilarious team of the year. Look forward to 17 of those same players returning, and don't get any hopes up about blowing up the team: most of the big contracts (Stajan, Iginla, Kotalik, Regehr, Bouwmeester, and Langkow) are absolutely unmovable. Fun fact: Alberta has only been without playoff hockey once in thirty years. Happy golfing!

Jay, Closing Windows, and Family Business: The Worst Offseason Moves

The end of the season is upon us, and with it comes our favorite time of the year! No, not the playoffs: analysts' annual "years in review", where everyone gives their lists and two cents on the best and worst of everything hockey over the past year. The favorite whipping boy this year is Jay Bouwmeester, the hottest FA blueliner last summer who has been ripped on by everyone including TSN, Greg Wyshynski, every Calgary media outlet, and me, yesterday, for his three goals and 6.67 million cap hit. His albatross of a contract looks bad (an understatement right now with Calgary out of the playoff hunt), but in the name of mercy, here's 4 more "in hindsight" brutal offseason moves. And if you think I'm getting soft on the hated Flames, don't worry: keep reading.

4. Canucks sign Matheiu Schneider: We don't like to criticize Mike "We are not worthy" Gillis around this blog, but this signing just didn't pan out. After a Jon and Kate-like breakup earlier this year, that now sees him on playoff-bound Phoenix, we are left with the numbers: a 2.18 million cap hit (thanks to bonuses) that earned us 5 points in 17 games from old man Schneider.













His insistence on using a wooden stick should have been a tip-off that Schneider wouldn't pan out

3. Leafs trade a 2010 1st and 2nd, and a 2011 1st for Phil Kessel: Maybe we'll be eating our words when Tyler Seguin and Adam Larsson are skating around in the black and gold with the Stanley Cup, but this trade is the rare variety that hurt both teams. The Leafs have gotten decent production from Kessel, but haven't seen results in the standings as they still are holding lottery balls (or they would be if, well, you know what I mean). The Bruins, although collecting quite the haul for Kessel, squandered away their scoring (they now sit last in the league in goals) in a time where their key players like Chara and Savard are in their prime. The first place team in the East last year is now clinging to a playoff spot. By the time their prospects develop, those players will likely be over the hill or gone. The Leafs give up two possible superstars, and Boston loses its championship window. Lose-lose.

2. Dallas fires Dave Tippet: Ever since his lovers tryst with Cloutier cost the Canucks a real shot at a Cup all those years ago, I've never been a huge fan of Crawford. His scratchy voice on Hockey Night in Canada was unpleasant as well, until Kevin Weekes made us realize how good we had it as he rambles on about goalie positioning and cutting down the angle. The real mistake Dallas made, however, was firing Tippet. Tippet was not the problem last year: it was injuries, it was the aging team, and it especially was Turco. Tippet proved how wrong Dallas was by going to their division rival Coyotes, and proceeding to lead this band of ragtag rookies who most predicted would be battling for the basement to a home playoff berth. Did you know that Doan, the leading scorer on Phoenix, has 53 points? That, ladies and gentlemen, is a coach.

1. Calgary hires Brent Sutter: This deal was doomed to fail from the start, for two reasons:
-Sutter wasn't the change the Flames needed. When a team needs a coaching change, it should bring a refreshing change to the culture of the team. The team traded hard-ass Keenan for hard-ass Brent, and the effect is obvious in the way the players play. They aren't motivated. There's only a limited number of times you can call out a player before he loses his confidence or his motivation. Brent's strict system, while low scoring and often painful to watch, is not to blame. The lack of motivation, where players only show up for some nights or certain periods, is a correlation of how they respond to the coach. It's easy to play the what-if game, but if Pat Quinn had been hired as coach of the Flames this summer, they'd be in the hunt for the division. Guaranteed. Or your money back.
-Violating Biggie's golden rule. It's number five of the goddamn Crack Commandments! How do mess that up? By not keeping his family and business completely separated, Darryl has put his own job and the future of the franchise in doubt. Can he really fire his brother and keep his job? Does the owner fire Darryl and keep on Brent? Most likely, the owners avoid this whole messy situation and keep the Sutter royalty, thereby blocking real progress of the team. It's good to be a Canucks fan sometimes.















Mo' money, mo' problems, right Jay?