Prediction Season is Back!!

Aaand the countdown is on. The Canucks are 5-0-0 in the preseason, which means only one thing: only 1 week until the new Gossip Girl season premiere! Just kidding. Sort of. Also, the NHL season is set to start begin October 1st. A few days after July 1st, once the free agent frenzy had subsided and the post-season depression finally began to kick in, the HCP released its Early, Useless, Unpredictable Predictions for 09-10 season. Now, we're pleased to bring you the Slightly Less Early but No Less Useless Predictions! Starting today, the West, in the form of sometimes slightly dated pop culture references.

15. Phoenix Coyotes - The Star Wars kid. Just sad..so sad. Here's to hoping Hamilton has a bright future. (However, if Phoenix had as many views as this video, they wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. In other news, I am personally responsible for at least half of these views.)

14. Colorado Avalanche - Vincent Chase after Medellin. This team had it all: the money, the fans, the Forsbergs and Sakics. And now its a team destined for the bottom, losing its fans and its financial support and lost the face of the franchise in Sakic. At least its committed to a rebuild. Just beware of Germans.

13. Nashville Predators - Kevin Federline. Totally irrelevent, somehow mildly newsworthy for a while, and we all would be happier if they just disappeared. Their defense got weaker, but still has rocks in Suter and Weber, while their goaltending looks solid too. But that's about it. Their highlight of the last few years: This. (It's Taylor, for those of you who haven't met my future wife.)

12. Los Angeles - Miley Cyrus. Tantalizingly close, but still too freaking young. Maybe next year. I still think they have a little more development before they can take the leap. Many experts are making the Kings their sleeper pick and they could make the leap, but their goaltending and defense is still too weak and young to compete in the West.

11. Oilers - Friendster. Remember when Friendster was cool? (Apparently, it still somehow exists!) Too bad no one would be caught dead on it anymore, right Heatley? The Oilers storied franchise is no longer a place where anyone wants to play or live, and its shown through its lack of ability to attract real talent. Gagner and Cogliano will have better years, but this team isn't deep or skilled enough to compete in the West. And don't even get me started on a 4-year deal for a 36 year old Bulin Wall who had a decent season in a contract year with a blossoming defensive corps.

10. Minnesota Wild - Matthew McConaughey. Untalented, often painful to watch, yet still wildly popular. (Also in consideration: Krusty the Clown) They made some good moves on D, but are ultimately treading water, replacing Gaborik with Gaborik-lite: slightly less injury-prone, slightly less good. This team doesn't need a retooling: it needs a rebuild around Burns and Koivu. By signing Havlat, they secured themselves as a playoff bubble team for years to come. (To find a picture to capture my emotion, I googled "Happiest Man in the World," and found a picture of a man giving himself head. I think I'll move on.)

9. St. Louis Blues - Butters from South Park. Lovable, slightly pathetic, and always finding a way to get the short end of the stick. They got rocked by injuries last year, and still found a way to sneak into the playoffs, where they promptly got sent packing in four games. This year they'll be healthier and a year older, but there isn't enough room for them in the West playoffs.

8. Columbus Blue Jackets - There Will Be Blood. I really didn't like this movie at all, but I watched it for Daniel Day Lewis' performance. This is Nash and the Blue Jackets. The Jackets still have enough to get in - provided Mason doesn't pull a Price - but they don't have much of a shot. However, if you look at their possible first round matchup...

7. Dallas Stars - Righteous Kill. De Niro. Pacino. Together! In a movie! Too bad it sucked. That pretty much summed up the Stars last year: hyped as a Cup contender, and played themselves out of it early. They'll have a bounce back year with a better (surely) Turco and a healthy Richards and Morrow.

6. Calgary Flames - The Girl Next Door. Just kidding Elisha! Seriously though, the top 6 spots in the West are a virtual lock, but ordering them is the hard part. Calgary gets dropped to 6 for one reason: depth. Sure, they have a top line (well, two thirds of one), but who comes after Iggy and Jokinen? Sure, their top 3 may be the best in league, but Sarich is a big drop off. Who's backing up Kipper so he doesn't burn himself out after 76 games? And here's hoping Fleury makes the team.

5. Anaheim Ducks - Mad Men. Apparently it's awesome. Or so I hear. This is the show that I and others always keep meaning to watch, but never do. The Ducks have trouble selling out the Honda Center for playoff games, but have been one of the most entertaining success stories of the past few years. They got dropped to make room for Chicago, but the Ducks have the offense and goaltending to get them far. Their biggest weakness is on the backend, but Scott Neidermayer's continued awesomeness will be enough to hold them together.

4. Chicago Blackhawks - John and Kate plus 8. Turmoil! Cheating! Lots of kids! Maybe I was too harsh on them in my previous rankings. For all their shittiness in Huet, whose latest strategy is trying to disguise himself as Khabibulin, and despite the injury to Hossa, their offense and defense are both absolutely dirty. But won't be enough to overtake the Wings...this year. And no, I didn't take any cheap shots at Patrick Kane. The poor kids already taken enough of a beating. No, wait, that was the cab driver. Hey-oh!

3. Detroit Red Wings - Michael Bay's films. Even though the new Transformer movie drew comparisons to "watching a blender for two hours while somebody shouts at you," it still became one of the highest grossing movies of all time. And so it is with the Wings: no matter the players, the coaches or the low expectations, they always will find a way to win. However, unlike Bay's films, the Wings are both talented and watchable. Even with the loss of key pieces in Hossa, Hudler and depth in Kopecky and Chelios (seen here in a file photo), the Wings still have a lineup to compete for top spot in the West. So why are they third? Their division. With 6 games against Chicago, along with tough competition in St. Louis and Columbus, the Wings will still have enough to come out on top, but not enough to overtake the next team. You know what's coming.

2. Vancouver Canucks - The Land of Chocolate. They're just plain awesome. And no, it's not a homer pick (okay, maybe a little). But the Canucks' shoddy divisional rivals will allow them to overtake the Wings for second in the Conference. Also, they are awesome. Life is good. Can I get a Gillis for President chant anyone? This team finally seems like it has the right mix to make something happen. Not since 30 seconds before this moment have I been so excited. 

1. San Jose - Phil Mickelson at the US Open. While it might be a stretch to use a sports reference for a sports reference, come on! Hit to the back of the freaking green already!! Getting Heatley for a 12-goal scorer in Cheechoo (playing with Thornton or Marleau no less) and a streaky Czech should assure that the Sharks again take down the conference. The playoffs? Good luck with that, Thornton.

Coming later this week: the picks of the East, Cup, and awards. ONE MORE WEEK BABY!!