First Round Picks, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Whichever Team Had the Chance to Push Detroit out of the 6th Seed

Coming up: First round predictions: in rhyme! Because all the kids today go crazy for poems.

The art of scoreboard watching in the new NHL is a roller coaster of emotion and loyalties. As Canuck fans desperate to keep the Wings out of sixth, we found ourselves switching sides by the day: we cheered as Nashville fell to the Coyotes, and then days later celebrated as they toughed it out in shootout against the Blues. I gave a hearty fist-pump after Los Angeles came from three down against the Ducks, and then were forced to cheer for the sad-excuse-for-a-hockey-team Oilers to beat the Kings. Detroit was even worse: I cheered for victories, then defeats against Columbus, and by the time the clock was winding down in their final game against Chicago, I was cheering for a goal. Any goal. But while the last few days have left me feeling like a compulsive gambler chasing obscure prop bets, the Canucks avoided the Wings and will take on the Kings. So now that the cream of the crop are headed to the playoffs (notwithstanding seeds 4-8 in the East) it's time for Steve's first round predictions.

In the West:

#1 Sharks vs. # 8 Avs

We picked the Avs to get their ass kicked
But Sacco found his inner Sakic
And made the playoffs in the West
A veiled “fuck you” to the Half Court Press
So bring the Sharks, bring the Joe
Bring the Heater, Pat Marleau
But while a choke could take them down
They'll save it for the second round

Sharks in 5

#2 Blackhawks vs. # 7 Predators

Hopes are up on the South Side
With pig-nosed murals flying high
“We'll beat 'em bad” boasts Patrick Kane
“Like cabbies lacking proper change.”
In Nashville, (surprisingly) many
Pin their hopes on Pekka Rinne
While Music City's got some push
A miracle is just too much

'Hawks in 5

#3 Canucks vs. # 6 Kings

Sedins vs Anze? Lou vs Quick?
But you expect analysis?
A homer choice, you know the pick
The King(s) is dead, Canucks in six

#4 Coyotes vs. # 5 Wings

Balsille's dream of relocation
Must have spurred some motivation
So come to golfing's hottest spot
It's where the Flames are teeing off (bazam!)
But home advantage's MIA
With announced crowds of 58
No tin foil hat conspiracies
Can stop the Red Wing's dynasty
Tippet's system will try and try
But Motor City rolls in five.

And in the sad, sad East:

#1 Capitals vs. # 8 Canadiens

Le blanc, le blue, and the red
Took on the Leafs and shat the bed
“So t'anks to dose anglo assholes
We 'ave to play da Capitals?”
Good luck competing with Ovechkin
Even with his Laichs for Semin
So while policemen hide their cars
And Habs fans boast of “notre histoire”
The ghosts of hockey's past can't keep
The Caps from wining in a sweep.

#2 Devils vs. # 7 Flyers

Remember when we said that Philly
Had a shot at winning? Really?
They thought they'd solved their goalie woes
With one who's powdering his nose?
Even Pronger's flying elbows
Can't save Boucher from the Devils
Parise's hands are smooth like butter
And they ditched dead weight named Sutter
And Kovy's made his getaway
To a place where hockey's played in May.
But Philly's bound to keep us guessing
Until their inevitable first round exit

Devils in 7

#3 Sabres vs. # 6 Bruins

Kessel-less, the B's lack scoring
They say “D-first,” but we say boring
Miller's sick, and tough to beat
Unless you wear the Maple Leaf (ba-boom!)
In Myers, Ruff has found a rock
Until he's UFA and walks
B's goals: over under...9?
Some way, somehow they'll win this time.

Bruins in 7

# 4 Penguins vs. #5 Senators

At HCP, I've had my rants
About Murray's glaring incompetence
Kovy? Bust. Milan for Danny?
But Clouston's got them playing for Stanley
So do I owe apologies?
...Please.
They made the playoff in the East.
And struggled with consistency
And won't compete with Sid Crosby
And though we back Canadian teams*
For ABC**, its just a dream

*Calgary not included
**ABC, of course, is Anyone But the Canucks

Pens in 6

Finally, let's give some big ups for Sam. After taking a prolonged hiatus doing more important work (namely, the Family Feud game on Facebook. Which is awesome.), he really broke through with his predictions, found right below these ones.